Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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