yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
