Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
