hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wish you could order shots online.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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