I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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