Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
