Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
