your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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