Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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