We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
