happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
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I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
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I just want nice things and good sex
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
And then he peed in my hair
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