what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
