I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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