im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
