I didn't shave. On purpose
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
