my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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