Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
