i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
