She is in my trunk
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
