In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I am midnight drunk by noon
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
