she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
