i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
