dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Sext me about skeletons
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
