Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
