Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
