I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
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There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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