Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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