My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
