Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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