I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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