At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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