if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
