Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
