I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
