I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
