Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
