you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
