I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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