I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
