11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
