Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
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You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
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I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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