I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
