i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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