sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
