I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
