Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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