She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
