remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
