just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
