there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
