I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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