just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
